Till Death Do Us Apart

Dear... (Please mention your name as you read)
I take thee today as my lawful wedded wife or husband.
To love and behold
To cherish and adore
Till death do us apart

Beautiful words of covenant of love, don't you think ?? So then, tell me how these beautiful love words of covenant and endurance end up in physical abuse, emotional abuse and all that. Tell me.

I'm writing this article purposely because of the floods of physical and emotional abuse cases and stories flying around Ghana lately, especially between married couples and those in love relationships.

A few years ago, I guess in 2017, one of my students from Colombia confided in me with a problem that had been bothering her for weeks. She couldn't concentrate fully on what I was teaching her on WhatsApp video call.  Teacher, I believe my husband is cheating on me with another woman, probably from his work. I have been trying to get him to talk to me but to no avail.
But what's that dark puffed circle around your eyes Monique?? Oh teacher kwame that's my husband hitting me over there because I was too loud in getting him to answer some questions. Does he hit you always? Sometimes. But I still love him teacher we have known each other and been together since we were 17 years old.
I told her if you suspect he's cheating on you and you want to  make him talk, first suspect yourself.
Loco!!!! (That's Spanish for crazy) literally she told me I was crazy for suggesting to her that idea. But she did it anyway and went in sober and calm  to talk to her husband.
And to her suprise, she found out that her husband was about to lose his job and get laid off. He was only acting silent and distant towards her and their little son because he feared what was about to happen to his family. He cannot provide for his family anymore nor pay any bills around the house. So this got him thinking and frustrated at the same time. Such that anytime his wife, Monique nagged him to talk to her, it turned into a physical assault.
His assaults on her everytime was just saying, woman give me space to think.

He could have chosen to talk to her calmly about the situation but chose to talk to her differently by using his hands on her.

I'm no expert psychologist or anything folks, but the root causes of abuse whether physical or emotional is Anger. Precisely anger not well managed or put under control when it shows up. We all get angry over things, situations and over hurtful words some people say to us sometimes. Getting angry as a person is not the real problem. The real problem is what you do or how you act when you get angry. I once hit my younger brother's head with a mini speaker when we were teen-agers because he showed our mutual friends how to take my money from our room after he takes some out to cater for himself. I'll come from lectures to find my saved money helplessly depreciating fast haha. And at the time instead of me giving him a strong warning to stop... I chose to pick a speaker close to me and threw at him in my anger immediately he entered the room that day. I was punished but thank God he didn't sustain no serious injuries to his head. I almost maimed my younger brother years ago because of my flaming anger. Today, thank God, I have mastered self restraint and self control.

Nobody is immune to anger or immune from what it does to you.
In your courtship or relationship, he hit you hard once for asking where's he's coming from so late... My dear sister, run for your life and leave that relationship ASAP. Because if that man you claim to love has had the guts to hit you once over a question, trust me, he will hit you again. Clear evidence of how he shows his anger.
Women,  please stop throwing little but subtle shades at your men for failing to do something or honour a responsibility that has caused you to be angry. Don't go and sit at the dinner table when he's having his dinner and be insulting him with your face facing  away. from him. He may not put his hands on you today. But I bet he's going to put his hands on you tomorrow if you keep going at him in a teasing scoffy way. He may not be able to put himself under control.

And that may land him in jail or death roll for that matter.
Don't be following him everywhere beating your saucepan loudly or insulting him continuously in public.
Man, if your woman is fond of dressing you down (insulting heavily) at the least provocation to anger, run!!! Leave that relationship or marriage.

My men, yeah we know, the women have loud mouths when they are mad. But can we also stop being bossy and authoritative over them for no reason. We shouldn't be maltreating women merely because we have the authority to be superior over them. That's a backward mentality to treat a woman like that. She is your helper, your provider and support system throughout life not your slave or your stooge to order around unpleasantly anytime you feel like.
Don't be surprised if she comes at you hard with her loud mouth and  her anger theatrics soon enough. Trust me, they can shade better than us men. haha

All horrifying abuses you and I know was  started small but we didn't pay attention to the consequences to deal with it. We allowed to slide because of love and it developed into a bigger monstrous one with  deadly consequences.

Go outside and take a long walk as a man or woman if your anger is building up or just walk away from your husband or wife silently and calmly to kill  your boiling steam.

Stop abuse of any form!!!!! It's deadly.

Kwame Sarpong
Freelance Writer